This ****ing Cancer

Anger is a new emotion for me on this, but I’ve felt it on occasion for the last two days. I first felt a rush of it while holding her dead body. A strange time for that, I suppose, and I put it aside to focus on her, and the moment. 

But I can’t get the phrase out of my head. This fucking cancer. 


I’ve spent many hours reading about her condition — feline oral squamous cell carcinoma. I don’t want to spend another minute thinking about it or reading about it. It just makes me sad, to know what she endured. And it gives me regret, because I wonder if I could have stopped it, if I had brought her to a vet sooner. 


That latter thought will occupy my mind for a long time. I hope it’s not so. I hope that if it is, Julie would forgive me for my imperfections. 


And yes, it makes me mad. 


So today, I decided to funnel my anger toward something constructive. I know it’s not much. But I donated $100 in Julie’s name to the University of California-Davis' Feline Cancer Research Fund. Maybe, just maybe, it can help some other cat, somewhere, sometime. It's the least I can do, to turn this anger into something better. 




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